Saturday, April 15, 2006

Not me...

This was on the Missouri Lottery website:

April 13, 2006
Group of 13 State Employees To Share Missouri's Largest Lottery Jackpot

A group of 13 Missouri state employees, who work for the Department of Social Services Family Support Division/Child Support Enforcement in Florissant, today claimed the $224.2 million Powerball jackpot from the April 12 drawing. The jackpot is the largest prize ever won in the Missouri Lottery’s 20-year history
and the seventh largest Powerball jackpot ever awarded in the nation.

The winners are: Cornelia Aversa, 61, of Ballwin; Juanita Miller, 57, of Black Jack; Madeleine Knox, 68, James Wydrzynski, 53, and Sandra Hayes, 46, all of Florissant; Kathey Tidwell, 54, of Highland, Ill.; Kathy Bowman, 48, of Roxana, Ill.; Marjorie Orcutt, 56, (63135*); Donna Paige, 44, (63136*); Georgia Griffin, 57, (63121*); Alice Williams, 58, (63121*); and Robin Carlton, 36, (63139*), all of St. Louis; and Michael Lang, 55, of St. Peters. According to Jim Wydrzynski, the office manager, 11 of the members put $5 into the pool and two members - Alice Williams and Georgia Griffin - contributed $2.50.

The jackpot prize will be split 12 ways, and William and Griffin will share 1/12 of the prize. All of the members plan to take the cash amount, which works out to be approximately $8.5 million each before taxes for the 11 members who contributed $5 and approximately $4.2 million before taxes for the two members who contributed $2.50. Wydrzynski said that for each drawing, new groups are formed depending on who would like to play, and employees take turns buying the tickets. Child Support Specialist Robin Carlton bought the group’s winning Quick Pick tickets at QuikTrip, 2791 Dunn Road in St. Louis. Etc., etc.,

Let's rewrite it, shall we?

Kansas City Ultra-Conservative Wins Largest Missouri
Lottery Jackpot


A Kansas City man, Krusty Curmudgeon, won the entire $224.2 million Powerball jackpot from the April 12 drawing. The jackpot is the largest prize ever won in the Missouri Lottery’s 20-year history and the seventh largest Powerball jackpot ever awarded in the nation.

Curmudgeon, formerly employed as a __________ at ______________, described himself as "unemployed, happily, since Wednesday evening" and has elected to take the jackpot's cash value, which is approximately $102 million. When asked what he intended to do with the money, he said, "I figure that the government will take a third from me and use it to fund their wasteful domestic projects, to kill Iraqis and to set up and fund puppet governments in the Middle East. Half of what's left after that is God's--I'll give it away immediately, which is about a third, and I'll keep a third for myself for now, but I imagine that even most of the $30 million or so that's left will be eventually given away or spent on various projects I'd like to undertake. I can't imagine what I'd do with anything over $5 million or so."

In talking about how his life will change, he said "I've already hired an accountant, a lawyer, and, for the time being, a security guard for my kids. I hired someone to hand-deliver my resignation letter to my employer, which I taped to a copy of Dr. Seuss's Horton Hears a Who for my pro-death boss. He'll pick up the pictures of my kids from my desk. I'm looking for a nanny/housekeeper, just to make it a little easier for us day-to-day. And no, I'm not going to ask to see her green card. I'm going to sell my house and build a compound of sorts somewhere outside of town--maybe start semi-rural a Catholic ghetto of sorts. I might hire Jerry Jeff Walker to come play a gig. Once I get my family situated and my affairs properly organized to protect them, I intend to go from being a bystander to combatant in the culture wars."

Curmudgeon has maintained a weblog--a type of online journal--over the past several months, and that blog, Curmudgeon's Cave, gives some clue as to what he may mean. There he advocates ultra-conservative Catholicism, mistrust of government at all levels, but especially the federal government, contempt for many modern social trends, and opposition to basic civil and human rights, which he described as "buggery raised to the level of civic religion." He is a member of a offshoot of the Catholic church group that rejects the reforms of the Second Vatican Council, holds its services almost entirely in Latin, and forces women to cover their heads.

When asked for more specific information on his plans, Curmudgeon's only response at the press conference was "Just you wait!" Orville Dishwater, a friend of Curmudgeon's for the last several years, suggested that Curmudgeon might build sex-segregated high school campuses around town for the use of other ultra-conservative Catholic families, start a local or regional weekly ultra-conservative newspaper, and fund ultra-conservative activities, including a campaign against the local Stowers Institute, which conducts early (what Curmudgeon quaintly calls "embryonic") stem cell research.

"I've already ordered three or four devil's costumes to share with fellow protesters," Curmudgeon said in a later interview, "and I've placed an order for six 'Kay Barnes is a New Age Nut Job' and six more 'Jim Stowers is a Babykiller' billboards to be placed around town. I've ordered several thousand bumper stickers with various other messages that I'll be giving away to all my new-found friends, and I'm interviewing a couple of people to help with some other writing and design projects I've got going--maybe I'll have them go back and fix six months of typographical errors and bad grammar on my blog, and maybe there's a little yellow journalism in my future. I'd like to buy a tank--even an old one--but I'm not sure who to call about that. Also, I've written a check to cover the restoration and construction and of a rectory and parish hall for the traditional Catholics at Old St. Patrick's. I only hope that the lottery people wire me my money before the billboard bills come in and the people at Old St. Pat's try to cash that check! I'm really excited. All I can say is hey, Clay Chastain, step aside! Krusty Curmudgeon is coming to town!"

The director of the Missouri Lottery, Jans Larrysen, when asked about Curmudgeon's plans, said "Generally, it's not our concern how our winners use their prize money. However, before we wire funds to Mr. Curmudgeon, we're looking into whether there are potential problems under the Patriot Act and other laws. If we were in Canada, we could already have him in jail and have imposed substantial fines for his hate speech--the 'b-word' would have been worth six months of confinement and reeducation up there. Nevertheless, we'll see what we can do to stop him. After all, if it's wrong to give an intoxicated man a drink or give a man who wants to kill someone a gun, it can't be right for us to give someone who obviously intends to disturb the peace and social order of our state the financial means to do so."

Etc., etc.

2 comments:

CS said...

What percentage for hot dogs?

Anonymous said...

Brilliant! Jerry Jeff Walker is a master stroke.