USCCB Summer Games

One of my friends, for whom I've invented the moniker "Kumbaya," has a guest post which I'm happy to put up:

WASHINGTON D.C. (Associate Spoof) -- Nevermind the "real" summer games going on in Beijing; there's a far more interesting set of games going on here in the states: The USCCB Summer Games. Just in case you've never heard of these games, here's a rundown of the most popular events.

Starting with a test of speed, stamina, and strength, the games open with the ICEL Translations Criticism Contest. In short, the contestants vie to see who can complain the loudest, the fastest, and the longest about the translations of the newly proposed liturgical texts. This year's competition looks to be especially interesting as the perennial favorites have been stewing over Cardinal Arinze and Archbishop Ranjith's recent exhortation to toe the line and follow the translations as rendered by ICEL. Cardinal Mahoney is favored to win as long as he's not disqualified for false starts.

Verbal dexterity, creative obfuscation, and use of the diocese legal team will be pushed to the limit in the Abuse Lawsuit Obstacle Course. With the retirement of defending gold medalist Cardinal Law, the field is wide open this year. Speculation among some insiders is that Bishop Brom of San Diego might have an edge but the field is packed with many highly qualified contestants. A record number of requests for press passes have been received for this event.
In the non-clerical events, competition for the gold will be the tight in the Liturgical Dance Competition and the Greet Your Neighbor and Exchange the Sign of Peace individual medlies. Assuming enough traditionalists can be duped into being "catchers," the Javelin Throw should be a real crowd-pleaser at the Olympic Coliseum, as well as the Pick Your Dogmas Archery Contest (which, as in previous years, is only open to "dissenting Catholics").

Two new events have been added to the field thanks to last summer's publication of Summorum Pontificum. The first is Team Weight Lifting, a timed event in which contestants reconfigure a sanctuary from Novus Ordo mode to Tridentine mode and then back again. Also new to this year's games is the Red Tape Relay in which Catholics file requests for a traditional Latin Mass with their local bishop while raising a non-refundable 25% down payment to finance the operations of a part-time community which will be serviced by a bi-ritual priest -- all while preparing an appeal to the Ecclesia Dei Commission in case the request is denied.
Sadly, not all of the planned events will be taking place in this summer's contest. One of casualties was The 100-Annulment Sprint which was nixed when all but two of the contestants were dismissed for "rubber stamping" during the qualification round. Also canceled was the Spirit of Vatican II Road Race because nobody could agree where the race started, where it finished, what path the course was supposed to follow, or who was allowed to take part in the event.

Expect security to be tight at this year's games, as well as possible gender-checks for female contestants attempting to infiltrate the all-male events. Check your local diocesan newspaper for complete coverage.